My vacation after my vacation was wonderful and much-needed, thank you for asking. We went to the beach. I met the Mother. Always a festive occasion. The Mother and I were wearing identical shoes and therefore she liked me and gave me lots of ice cream and wanted to show me middle school yearbooks and the like. Lady (who does not, in fact, have a name outside of 'Lady') and I bought a kite and a balsa wood airplane and a football and Lady said, "I bought this football, but I didn't know if you could catch it. Or throw it." The assumption being, I think, that she does not think I can catch objects thrown at me at relatively mild speeds, or throw them. Or do anything mildly athletic.
The kite flew beautifully for five minutes, and then it fell. It ripped in half, because it cost 69 cents.
We swam in the ocean. We played games. The stand-on-my-shoulders-and-I'll-throw-you-high-up-in-the-air-over-a-big-wave game. We played the I-swear-to-God-I-just-saw-a-fish game. We played the I-just-swallowed-a-shit-ton-of-salt-water game.
The balsa wood airplane was not much of a success. Granted, I was standing on top of Lady's car, in front of her Mother's house, at like 9:30 at night, drowsy on barbituates and wine, winding the rubber propeller thing up and telling them both - Mother and Lady - how far it was surely going to fly when obviously it's just going to dive violently to the right and almost hit Mother on the head and then the tail fin is going to snap in half. Granted, that is what happened. But I'm still glad I paid $2.99 for it.
We did not throw the football. But now we have one.
On the way home, getting gas, as we were in the station putting cream in coffee and deciding on candy bars, a woman runs in to the station and says, "HOLYFUCKINGSHITTHERE'SGASEVERYWHEREBYNUMBERSEVENCALLFUCKING911!!!" and I turn to Lady and say, "I'll bet that's from your car" and sure enough, the tank had overflowed about $80 worth of unleaded all over the parking lot and everybody was freaking out and they called the fire department and sirens blazed. Understandably, we got the fuck out of there, although we did have to pay for the gas.
On the way home we played Twenty Questions and I won.