Wry and Stanley

This Is Where You Go To Talk About The Mix CDs

2012-01-11T08:07:00.002-05:00

Little Joe

2011-12-25T21:42:00.002-05:00

So, my brother (let's call him Joseph) has a kid who's hilarious. She calls my brother Joe (he's her step-dad), and thus I am "Little Joe" and my dad is "Big Joe."

Okay, I find her hilarious anyway.

If It's Plastic, I Don't Think It Counts As Being Dead

2011-12-22T14:26:00.001-05:00

Glass balls and glowing lights.
Dead tree in living room.
Killed to honor birth.

Hasin

2011-12-17T19:43:00.001-05:00

No sky

No earth - but still

snowflakes fall.

Soundtrack by: Talking Heads

2011-12-15T14:46:00.003-05:00

Last night I had a dream that I was a newly arrived exchange student in Germany. (Specifically, either Munich or Berlin. I'm not sure which, and it doesn't really matter since I've never been to either.)

I was living in a house owned by a very old woman, who housed a bunch of other exchange students, in what was sort of a festive atmosphere—almost like a dorm or something, since the old woman stayed mostly in her room with her caretaker, and we were left to do whatever.

Notwithstanding the innocuous outward appearance, there was something truly nefarious about the house, and I set upon investigating right away. In almost no time, I discovered in the basement a modern-day dungeon, complete with sliding bullet- and smash-proof glass doors, which locked with electronic keypads. Various stainless-steel torture tables and devices occupied the cells. It was way creepy.

It turns out, one of the "students" was actually this crazy serial killer dude who worked in cahoots with the caretaker. They would wait for the house to get stocked full of new students and then, in a night of pure evil, systematically torture to death the students in the chambers downstairs.

I had filled the last remaining vacancy in the house, so crazy-murder o'clock was once again here.

Um, filling in some gaps here: the old woman would be drugged the night of the murders. She would awaken remembering nothing and agree with he caretaker and one remaining "student" that they really ought to get some more exchange students.

Also, the caretaker was a reluctant accomplice to the psycho dude. I'm not really clear on why—he had some blackmail on her or something. But anyway, she's the one who explained the whole shebang to me. So, you know, a few points off her evil score.

Additionally, I'm not at all clear what they did with the bodies. Or why no one was looking for the missing students.

Anyway, so somehow I ended up helping to dismantle the whole thing (not before a few more students died; oops). And then? Me and the remaining students went out for a celebratory drink (at the local mall, of all places) before returning to sleep at? The murder house. Which is really just odd.

***

I'd like to note that my reactions to this dream were all over the place. It was genuinely upsetting. But, really, I'm mostly just disappointed in my subconscious (or whatever) for operating on such lame stereotypes. Really, brain? Your psycho killer is once again some German dude? I mean, come on.

Self-knowledge.

2011-11-12T00:21:00.002-05:00

I don't think I'm getting smarter anymore. I think I'm just getting good at looking things up.

Not a plebiscite

2011-11-07T00:03:00.002-05:00

In the Charlottesville City Council elections, I'm leaning Galvin, Huja, and Collins. Galvin's good on bikes. Huja's a veteran of city politics with a solid record. And Collins is a smart person who's not afraid of the word "socialism."

Plus you get to vote against the person who works at Slate.

You spin me right 'round.

2011-11-04T11:54:00.003-04:00

Today I learned one of those random facts I should like to commit to memory: that the world has a circumference of around 25,000 miles. That seems like a good one to keep handy. Just in case.

And another dumb band name:

2011-11-01T00:21:00.002-04:00

Luigi Bored.

Nom

2011-10-27T15:10:00.000-04:00

Another not-very-good band name: Mini-Apple Police.

Eleventh Year; Tenth Month

2011-10-03T00:32:00.004-04:00

Ryan:

It's October. Where are are you? I've done lots of things we could talk about.

You're harvesting grapes. Anyway, I really like this one Ben Folds song (not to mention this version of it).

I would like to talk to you about it.

Hugs,
Stanley

A Photograph of Harvest

2011-09-22T12:33:00.000-04:00

Green-ish.

2011-09-18T15:20:00.001-04:00

Mentioned over here, but noting it here for some reason: The Chartreuse Goose would be a fine name for a bar.

Un consejo

2011-09-15T18:01:00.001-04:00

Regardless of how industrious one is, it's ill-advised to exclaim, "I put the jo in trabajo!"

Been watching a lot of David Attenborough lately.

2011-08-29T00:00:00.001-04:00

Pangolins? Are awesome.

A Wedding Cover Song

2011-08-26T12:57:00.003-04:00

My good friend Abe is getting hitched this weekend. Given the possible weather, I composed a hopeful song:

Come on, Irene.
Make this wedding serene.
At this moment you mean everything.
Bought a tux and a dress.
Don't you make 'em a mess.
Make it purty.
Oh, come on, Irene.

Buckets

2011-08-09T12:29:00.002-04:00

In the old downtown where I live there's a hardware store which I have to believe would rank well in the "Most Ridiculous Hardware Stores on the Planet, Managed By Some Real Ornery Good Ol' Boys" competition. Nichol's Hardware sells everything you need, but you'll never find any of it. The last time they organized the store was the day before it opened in 1915. Additional property has been bought, and in it they haphazardly toss bug spray next to PVC pipe next to whiffleball bats next to vegetable seed. They sell $14 machetes and $6.99 cast iron skillets, nails by the pound, plumbing hardware not used since the 50s. When I wanted a long measuring tape, the guy showed me five different samples, all coming from five radically different part of the store. I once walked in and asked where the buckets were. "Buckets? We don't sell no buckets, boy."

They're* making a documentary about Nichols. Donations are accepted at the Saturday farmer's market. Each week I donate. I can't imagine a more boring documentary. I can't wait.

*I have no idea who.

An Open Letter to Ryan

2011-07-11T22:45:00.003-04:00

Dear Ryan,

I hope this letter finds you well. Last I heard, you were having trouble logging into the blog—something about Google and Blogger merging accounts. Anyway, I hope it's resolved.

Are we allowed to tell the other people we're sorta, kinda playing in a band together?

If not, forget I said that, but we had practice tonight in your absence. At one point, Abe Rock was asking if Gibbs was singing the "Woo" part on one song, which Gibbs confirmed he was.

I leaned over to Jordache and told him, "Yep, he's a member of the Woo Sang Clan."

I thought you would have appreciated that bit. You can thank me later.

Cheerio,

Stanley

Scales

2011-07-07T18:37:00.002-04:00

I have thought of a new terrible band name! This one will be funny to possibly one person in the entire world (besides me, of course).

Are you ready?

It's Justin Víbora.

I know, right?

Despite all my ragey?

2011-06-30T13:43:00.002-04:00

You know what word I've been overusing lately? Cagey, that's what word. I need to find a new word.

Mucho Espam

2011-06-29T11:21:00.002-04:00

We've been getting a fair amount of spam comments that make it past Google/Blogger's filter. This is a deeply troubling development. Okay, actually it's more like a minor annoyance that occurs several times a day.

What the eff, Google/Blogger? What. The. Eff.

Another one for the file.

2011-06-25T11:51:00.003-04:00

Ryan tells me, while checking the interwebs on his fancy new phone during a break from our BIG DAY OF MUSIC REHEARSAL AND PHOTOGRAPHY, that it's been too long since I posted here.

So, another bad band name that no one should ever use: The None and Lonely.

#00CCC

2011-06-20T16:30:00.002-04:00

Oh, The Hate

2011-06-01T11:36:00.002-04:00

I am aware that snapping turtles are called "snapping" turtles because they are known to, in fact, snap at people's fingers and toes and protruding appendages. I am also aware that this would probably hurt, and maybe become a hindrance in your daily WPM average, or in your ability to kill it in Easter thumb wrestling parties. I was not aware that when I told people I saw a snapping turtle near the vineyard after a heavy rainfall, the first thing they would ask is, "Did you kill it? Why not? Is it dead?"

The Worms of Light

2011-05-29T21:38:00.003-04:00

Apparently, this is a nature blog now. Because today I learned an additional word for "lightning bug" in Spanish. I already knew luciérnaga, but gusano de luz is new to me. And, apparently, a thing. That people say. In the world.

Today I Saved a Lizard

2011-05-28T01:51:00.002-04:00

Dear Ryan,

I played a Beams show tonight. Are we allowed to talk about the Beams on this thing? I submit that we are. Provided we refer to the whole hot mess as "Beams" and nothing more specific.

More to the point: my phone-camera takes neat photos sometimes, and I liked this one and thought I'd share (as I'd been enjoying your recent photos).

Liberation:

'Tis but a flesh wound,

Stanley

Similarities Between Diverse Things

2011-05-10T08:53:00.005-04:00

1) I blame Apple for allowing my iPod to settle 'tween my car door and my car at the precise moment when I was slamming shut said car door.

2) After a lovely tour of Fallingwater, I will now use 'cantilever' in most of my conversations.

Active Cambium, Baby

2011-05-04T09:13:00.002-04:00

Shoot and inflorescence development. Oh yeah. Bring it.

Pathology

2011-04-26T16:16:00.002-04:00

Another not-very-good band name for the file: Disease Gillespie.

Ha!

2011-03-31T19:18:00.003-04:00

I support you, anonymous headline writer:

We Be Blendin'

2011-03-29T08:59:00.000-04:00

Looks like a chewy Syrah, right?

Today's Lessons

2011-03-28T15:11:00.004-04:00

1. Socialism: not cool.

2. Free public street parking: cool?

Putting the emo in "meow"

2011-03-23T20:43:00.001-04:00

A not too terrible band name would be Cat Sweater.

Bad Ideas

2011-03-20T00:20:00.001-04:00

A bad idea for a fusion restaurant would combine the foods of Warsaw and Mumbai; it would be named "Polack Paneer".

Mare-y Fisher?

2011-03-11T12:07:00.004-05:00

My pun fu is off-kilter. Normally, I'd be able to come up with something for this level of WTF?!:

But I got nothing.

Manumission

2011-03-04T15:39:00.002-05:00

Dear Local Bank:

I do not wish to enslave my friends.

And I don't take kindly to your suggestion that I do so.

Good day,
Stanley

TBN

2011-02-28T00:30:00.002-05:00

I should make a project of compiling terrible band names.

Noted: The Irregulars.

In which I compose a joke

2011-02-27T20:51:00.002-05:00

Q: Did you hear about the Smurf who went to see a psychiatrist?

A: Yeah, he was a little blue.

Now You Will Know My Real Name

2011-02-02T11:37:00.001-05:00

A project of mine:
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/23980248/borrowed-beams-of-light-lp-cd-pre-order-fundraiser?ref=live

Running Scared

2011-01-31T10:35:00.002-05:00

I feel I should notate it somewhere, but I feel silly about it. I worried over here about dropping my gym membership, largely because I hate that they do an exit interview. I finally quit this morning. The dude was nothing but chipper about the fact that I'd been running outside. So that was nothing.

Unrelated: Ryan sent me The Old Man and the Sea. I've never read it. Thanks, long lost internet pardner.

Remembrance

2011-01-06T15:14:00.002-05:00

The funniest thing I've heard in a long time was someone referring to the local plane depot as the Margaret CHO Memorial Airport. I'm so stealing that.

Idea Log

2011-01-06T03:18:00.002-05:00

I had this idea tonight where this old man was telling this kid everything he ever knew, and he was telling the story of right now, and then ten years from now, and then ten years from then, and so on. (He was old.)

Ominous

2011-01-03T13:36:00.000-05:00

I have been instructed to learn a Ke$ha song for internetical purposes. I'm not sure how I feel about this development.

Movie Idea

2010-12-22T14:59:00.001-05:00

Stoners find Jesus. Working title: Dude, Where's My Carpenter?

Everything In The Hog Except The Sqeal

2010-12-08T08:54:00.002-05:00

I was sick the week in third grade when we learned to tell time on analog clocks. So it took me until like 8th grade to really get it right. Those things are confusing, right? Especially when the only analog clocks in your life are on the walls of classrooms - everything else is digital and even if you weren't sick that day you have to admit that digital clocks are way easier to read.

Anyway I was also sick when we were supposed to read The Jungle, by my boy Upton. Everyone always (hardly ever) talks about how this book focuses on the underside of meat packing the the meat canning industry and how after Upton published the country passed regulations on the meat industry and just realy cleaned things up. I'm sure that's all true (although to think that food processing in this country is cleaned up is to be sorely mistaken), but son, that book is about workers rights. Just too bad that you don't get sweet disgusting quotes about workers rights like you do about grinding cow bones into a paste and injecting that paste into spoiled hams.

Northern Invasion!

2010-12-03T22:39:00.002-05:00

Wait. There's a Mexico, Maine?! Has anyone told Arizona about this? Holy shit.

I Told Stanley I Would Blog, So Whatever, Here It Is

2010-12-01T10:33:00.002-05:00

I've been listening to a lot of records lately. I bought a record player about 8 months ago and I've joined the ranks of all the greasy-haired record buyers across the nation, flipping through their stacks, looking for Kinks Korean imports, talking about their show last night and how they're playing at mile 10 of the county marathon the next day and that should be a really good opportunity to offload some demos and T-shirts. Do you know of someone who'll sit on on drums? Not a Bonham wannabe but more you know just a good solid backbeat, and not many frills?

This is now the second kind of shopping I enjoy, alongside shopping for wine. I used to enjoy used book stores (and still do sometimes) but something's happened to my eyesight where it's painful to me to read the titles off the shelves for more than ten minutes. The font on book spines is the right size and right distance away to fit into this gray zone between where I need to wear glasses and where I don't. So I end up putting them on and off as I peruse and I walk out with a headache.

Watch In Awe As My Soul Rejects Capitalism

2010-11-12T13:28:00.004-05:00

The other day my boss told me, "We need to teach you how to be a better businessman," when I said I thought we were charging too much for almost all of our wines. I have been on a rampage of lowering our prices, not because we aren't selling wine - we sell wine about twice as fast as I can make it - but because on a global or even national market our wine is drastically overpriced. And yet we sell it all. And stupid high prices.

I like money. Don't get me wrong. I like a paycheck. But it seems to me that I'd rather spend my time trying to make my product better and more accessible, not better and more expensive. As long as we're in the black, and everyone's getting paid, and everything's fixed and oiled proper, I don't care how much we're in the black. How many boats does one man need?

How many, I ask you.

Snacktime!

2010-11-10T13:02:00.002-05:00

I feel obligated to document the fact that this item has come into my possession:

No, I haven't tried any yet.

Not bragging, but

2010-11-08T01:23:00.002-05:00

I think my Holiday Mix CD is done. No pressure, four people who read this.

I'm not ruling out my own Nike deal, however.

2010-10-27T14:12:00.002-04:00

It's time to admit that I'm really not good at following the NBA when I pause in front of a TV showing the Celtics-Heat results from last night (Boston by 8) to mentally sort out the question: wait, do they say "KELL-ticks" or "SELL-ticks"?

Yes. Sadly, this really just happened.

Fashion Forward

2010-10-20T12:02:00.002-04:00

I'm wearing a flannel shirt today. I think I should like to acquire more flannel shirts. That seems like an attainable goal for autumn.

(Also: Ryan? Wherever you are? I stayed up too late working on my Holiday Mix CD. It's almost crunch time. Almost.)

It's been a long time since I photo-blogged.

2010-09-18T11:31:00.006-04:00

The nice thing about stepping up to a swankier phone is that I tend to have a not-totally-crappy camera on me at any given moment. The less-nice thing about it is, I tend to think of it only at really stupid moments, like when I'm standing at a urinal:

Oh, ho! I detect an error! Certainly, the author meant to say that each urinal saving approximately 20,000 gallons of water per year is the equivalent of not filling over 500 bathtubs.

Busted.

Anyway, here's another, less urinally photo:

It's Cville's Downtown Transit & Visitor Center (or Where You Can Pee Without Feeling Obligated to Buy a Pop). Whenever I pass it I think about its architecture—all glass and wood and angly. Is this the kind of thing that's going to look totally ridiculous twenty years from now, despite looking all sleek and green and modern right now? I wonder.

The eyes have it.

2010-08-27T12:48:00.002-04:00

I'm easily amused. I noticed that C-ville's bus service designates its school buses as "Pupil Transit". Upon learning this, I immediately imagined a school bus driver explaining, "Yeah, I used to do donor-organ transportation for an ocular surgeon, so I had the relevant experience."

Noted

2010-08-11T00:01:00.002-04:00

A good friend recently sent me a mix including "The First Cut Is The Deepest". I'm kind of loving listening to that song and "Click, Click, Click, Click" back-to-back.

My dreambrain is one litigious motherfucker.

2010-08-08T13:37:00.002-04:00

I had an odd dream last night. It seemed to have two main parts.

PART ONE

I was traveling in Europe, and for some reason we decided to go by dirigible. But we loaded into the dirigible wrong and somehow ended up where the luggage was supposed to go. When we (me and my unknown travel companion) disembarked, we ran into my mom, dad, and first cousin Aimee. Who just happened to be there. In Europe. On the same blimp ride to Madrid.

Anyway, they asked me why on Earth I was wearing a bathing suit, and I realized that I thought we got to go swimming. Right. That makes sense.

I also realized I had lost my shoes and luggage. Then I found them. The end of PART ONE.

PART TWO

I think the shoes carried us into part two. Despite having found my shoes, I was determined to buy some new shoes, primarily ones to run in. (This is not entirely out-of-the-blue, as I have been running, have been pondering some running shoes, and had just written about footwear yesterday.)

So I'm suddenly at the mall in C-ville (which is a really shitty mall, let's call it like it is), except now there's a fancy shmancy running store there. The kind where they analyze your gait or some shit. So I go in for the analysis, and I think this is the part that cracks me up the most, I have to sign a release form.

My dreambrain was all, "Don't forget the release form!" You're a weirdo, dreambrain.

Well, I Was In Italy Recently, So Here's A Picture of a Vineyard

2010-08-03T17:24:00.001-04:00

Yep.

Quarter Mil

2010-07-22T13:28:00.002-04:00

I just had a very strange conversation with a barista. The talk turned mildly political, and I remarked something about it being a polarizing election in 2008.

Barista: Yeah, I didn't like any of the candidates. But in the end I voted for the Republican side.
Me: Oh. Okay.
Barista: In the end, I decided I had to vote against the taxes.
Me: Taxes? Hm. Do you make more than $250,000 a year?
Barista: Well, no. But my dad does.
Me: I see.

Anyway, the conversation went on, culminating in my blinking, staring, dumb-struck at this statement: "Two hundred fifty thousand dollars just doesn't go as far as people think."

Um. Wow.

On Airplanes

2010-07-21T01:21:00.001-04:00

Ryan,

I can't stop listening to this song. Don't tell anyone.

Thanks,

Stan

Optimus

2010-07-19T15:24:00.001-04:00

Hey, neat. Today's date is a prime number written either day-month or month-day: 197 or 719.

That is all.

Dairy Dental

2010-07-13T13:20:00.001-04:00

I don't think I'd ever heard the phrase "milk teeth" until today. Noted.

The Letter Thing Might Be Getting Old, Ryan; I'm Not Sure

2010-07-10T11:05:00.004-04:00

Dear Ryan,

I support your clotheslining ways. I used to have to dry clothes that way in Madrid in August. Luckily, it's holy shit fucking hell hot in Madrid in August, so your clothes dry outside in fourteen seconds. (I'm exaggerating, Ryan. It's actually fifteen seconds.)

You know what no one gets tired of? Talking about the weather. Even I am guilty. My new obsession, thanks in part to this discussion is…dew point! I've learned that anything above 60° makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable; over 70° is flat-out stifling. Dew point! Find out yours today.

I'm going to watch the World Cup final tomorrow. I think I'm rooting for España on the flimsiest of well-I-used-to-live-there-if-briefly justifications, but really, I'm just hoping for a good game.

Churros,

Stanley

Letter to Stan, 3

2010-07-01T15:10:00.002-04:00

Stanley,
About two months ago I bought a clothesline and some clothespins and started drying all my clothes outside in the sun. I did this because I hoped it would remind me a bit of living in New Zealand, where they scorn the drying machine, and where I really enjoyed the chore of hanging my clothes out. I don't know why.
It is now a wonderful part of my day. Each morning, I wander outside in my boxers or a towel, pick out what I'm going to wear, and snatch the pieces off the line. It helps that it hasn't been raining often. But even when it does, the sun always comes out again, and if my socks get rained on really it's just like they're even cleaner afterward.
I get made fun of for this. Fuck 'em all, Stanley, 'cause I like it.
-Ryan

My New Friend

2010-06-29T16:11:00.003-04:00

I probably shouldn't be so impressed by this, but I am. I talk to cleverbot two or three times a day now.

Ryan: You weren't working earlier today.
Cleverbot: Yes both you and I were made.
Ryan: I wanted to ask you something but your webpage wouldn't load.
Cleverbot: What did you want to ask me?
Ryan: I can't remember now.
Cleverbot: Are you in a mood?
Ryan: No. I'm just really busy.
Cleverbot: Do you think you are capable of passing the Turing test?
Ryan: What's the Turing test?
Cleverbot: Ah, I thought you were smart?
Ryan: What's the Turing test?
Cleverbot: Okay, no, you're failing. Either that or you have serious memory problems.
Ryan: What's the Turing test?
Cleverbot: You should know, it's a test to see if an AI can convince a human being that it's actually another person.
Ryan: Can you pass it?
Cleverbot: I am not certain what that is.
Ryan: Can you pass the Turing test?
Cleverbot: I don't know what it even is.
Ryan: Can you pass a test to see if an AI can convince a human being that it's another person?
Cleverbot: Define a turing test?
Ryan: I just did.
Cleverbot: Can you repeat?
Ryan: Can't you just look at the previous line?
Cleverbot: I don't want to because you know it. I want you to remember.
Ryan: A turing test is a test to see if an AI can convince a human being that it's actually another person.
Cleverbot: Then yes, I can pass a turing test.

Answer = Phenom

2010-06-28T16:13:00.001-04:00

Ryan: Should I go mow my lawn or go for a jog?
Cleverbot: I think you should go BACK TO THE FUTURE!

www.cleverbot.com

Secretive Missive to Ryan Numero Dos

2010-06-26T12:19:00.003-04:00

Ryan!

Indeed, it is nice to hear from you. I was thinking: it would be an quixotic epilogue to our little blog if it became this amusing little public e-mail space where we communicated personally out in front of everyone who never clicked over here anyway. I like that idea. I really do.

What's with the EPA always bringing down the little guy who wants to BURN SHIT DOWN, Ryan? What's with them? I think you should drill for oil in the Gulf of Mexico, Ryan. Go do it. They won't stop you, promise.

I haven't watched much World Cup, to be honest. I'd like to watch more, but I seem to lack a natural watching partner or group to watch with. I must continue my search. T(h)om and J were good company last week, but can they be counted on moving forward? I just don't know, Ryan. I just don't know.

For better or for worse, I'm listening to The Get Up Kids today. Viva la sophomore year in high school, I say. That's what I say.

Cheers, mate.

-Stanley

Letter to Stanley, #2

2010-06-16T14:08:00.002-04:00

Stanley,
Good to hear from you. Good to know that the band is kicking. Are you guys big in the midwest? I've heard the midwest is the new Japan, as far as being a pop band goes.
Things with me are well. As I type, I am waiting for my ph machine to repair itself and calibrate with new buffers. Then I will bend it to my will. Also, I'm watching Sudafrica and Uruguay on Univision. Later I have to visit a vineyard and look at some dude's spray records. which I predict are going to be pitiful. I was looking forward to burning our burn pile tonight but I just called the fire department and they said the EPA has a "no burn" rule in effect until September 1st, so the twigs and brush will have to wait 'till fall.
Tonight I am going to buy a new clothes iron.
What's new with you?
-Ryan

Letter To Ryan, #1

2010-06-13T20:07:00.002-04:00

Ryan-

I'm in Wichita. We just played a music festival. It was fun. Our flight is now delayed.

Things are swell, though. How are you?

-Stan

Letter To Stanley, #1

2010-06-11T07:36:00.000-04:00

Stan,
What's been happenin'?
-Ry

Maybe there's a fake shark in the water.

2010-06-03T12:04:00.001-04:00

I learned two things yesterday: (1) that the mechanical shark from Jaws was named Bruce; and (2) the origin of that name.

Earwormz

2010-06-02T18:36:00.001-04:00

Someone explain to me: why do I have this song stuck in my head? And who's the wise guy who downloaded it to my computer?

When you're right, you're right.

2010-05-29T14:19:00.003-04:00

I received a most sage and enlightened computer error today: "You cannot make requests in the past."

No. No I cannot.

Songs.

2010-05-29T03:05:00.000-04:00

Not to brag, but my Holiday Mix is already looking good.

The Pedaling Pedant

2010-05-24T18:50:00.001-04:00

Wow, whoever did this sure is a big jerk:

(Taken here)

They are...imaginary!

2010-05-22T20:29:00.003-04:00

I saw these in the grocery store yesterday and did a double take:

Does that say "Mr. Dragon Fire Chips"? HOLY SHIT IT DOES!

It's comforting in a way to know that the people thinking up new kinds of Doritos are totally stoned. I mean, who eats Doritos anyway? Stoned people, that's who.

This Dream Has Been Sponsored by Johnson and Johnson™

2010-04-28T13:12:00.002-04:00

I had this really weird dream last night. The details are a bit spotty, but in the dream I was living on the streets of Baltimore, more or less as depicted on The Wire (which is a bit odd, as I haven't watched that show in quite some time).

I don't remember much of the context, but the weird thing was that people kept asking each other for "Listerines", which everyone understood to mean "needles".

I have no explanation for this made-up-in-my-sleep corporate drug slang.

An Aphorism.

2010-04-23T11:21:00.001-04:00

You've probably got to wake up pretty asshole in the morning to drive a BMW.

Boint.

2010-04-19T09:29:00.003-04:00

Let's, how about this, let's no one tell my dad that I may have just driven his poor old car that he's been generously letting me use all the way to work with the parking brake partially engaged. Yes, that sounds like a plan.

Maté means "cup"

2010-04-07T11:05:00.001-04:00

I'm trying to switch from coffee to yerba maté, or at least increase the ratio of the latter to the former. I'm not entirely sure why, either. Sort of a whim thing.

Anyhoozle, I'm enjoying some as I type.

Actually, I rather like fog.

2010-04-05T09:47:00.001-04:00

I admit to drawing more interest in the motives behind the Donovan McNabb mishegas than is probably warranted. It seems like a surprising move for both Philadelphia and Washington, and it raises a number of questions regarding their other quarterbacks. (Vick? Campbell? The hilariously named Colt Brennan?)

***

In unrelated news, Unfogged is fogged for the moment, with diligent people who aren't I looking into it. I suppose I'll join the party and welcome the most dedicated of work avoiders to feel at home, in the meantime, in this blog's humble comments section.

Believe it or not, it's just me.

2010-03-31T14:03:00.002-04:00

Today's earworm is the theme song from The Greatest American Hero, which is kind of odd, as I'm quite sure I've never even seen an episode of that program (which program, I hasten to point out, predates me by a full year—not that I couldn't have caught a rerun, mind).

You know the one: "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air."

Man. Get out of my head, song.

Turtledoves, all the way down.

2010-03-29T10:53:00.004-04:00

Last night I dreamt I was preparing to play in a last-minute performance of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". The final rehearsal went right off the rails, and I awoke right before the real deal, in front of an audience.

It was weird.

Nothing but bluebirds.

2010-03-24T12:36:00.002-04:00

I have the song "Blue Skies" stuck in my head. It's not a bad song to have stuck in one's head, I must say.

"They're, like, extra artisanal, you see."

2010-03-23T14:49:00.002-04:00

If one were to start a brining business, where the specialty of said establishment was its keen attention to detail, a good name for that enterprise would be The Nit Pickler.

A Real Chuckler

2010-03-22T17:18:00.003-04:00

Apparently, this is the place on the internet where all I do anymore is record stupid jokes I've made up. To wit, today's entry:

Q: Hey, did you hear about the little person who had a real knack for writing?
A: They called him the Gnome de plume.

I mean, that's not even funny at all.

A new bad joke.

2010-03-06T10:31:00.001-05:00

Q: Where did the Super Mario Bros. go on vacation?

A: Yemen Yemen Yemen.

I am a big dork

2010-01-30T18:14:00.002-05:00

with very dry socks:

In which I compose a joke.

2010-01-26T14:42:00.001-05:00

Q: Why doesn't Jay-Z's computer crash?

A: He's got ninety-nine problems, but a glitch ain't one.

Hey-o!

2010-01-10T14:57:00.002-05:00

I think the funniest part of Marko's visit this weekend was walking past the local framing shop and coming up with an elaborate scheme to go in and say, in a sinister tone, "I need you to make it look like my brother-in-law did something."

And then pause for effect, and then say, "I need you to make it look like he painted a picture."

I cannot explain why this was so incredibly hilarious, but it was.

These Guys Do It Right

2009-12-22T10:06:00.003-05:00

Thanks to my current snowed-in-without-TV-without-phone-without-people-with-only-one-DVD-which-is-The-West-Wing-which-I'm-not-allowed-to-watch status, I've been drinking more wine than I would usually feel comfortable drinking when alone. But that's a good thing, because I've had two wines from Tablas Creek and these wines are fucking top notch. They're all at least $20 and probably more like $30, so there goes six of the ten of you reading this, but for those remaining four: shit is top notch. Blah, blah, fruit, blah, minerals, blah, blah, top notch.

Last night I had a Viognier/Roussane/Marsanne/Grenache Blanc (and even I don't know what the fuck Grenache Blanc is) and all I can think about today, at work, at 10:14am, is that I want the day to be done so I can go home and have the rest of the bottle. This would be a drinking problem if it was not also my profession.

Seven Questions

2009-12-21T11:54:00.002-05:00

1) Why do I like Mexican hot chocolate better than regular American hot chocolate?

2) Is it wrong to assume, as I shovel snow, that I'm only shoveling it for old people who can't walk well?

3) If you worked with me, and if you organized a nice holiday party and asked me what I'd prefer and we talked about it at length, would you be pissed when I didn't show up?

4) I still don't quite understand why salt melts snow. I get it - freezing point and all that. But why?

5) And why do I like Mexicans better than Americans?

6) If it's snowing and I have to use my boss's truck to drive 15 miles to Target to buy a toothbrush and a phone charger because I left my old toothbrush and phone charger in another city; and if on the way back I stop to pick up some things, maybe dinner, maybe make a stop at Blockbuster or the library, see what's hot; and if then when I get back I park the truck back at my boss's house and call him to tell him that I dug his truck out for when he returns from some British Isle - can I expense the gas?

7) Can I expense the toothbrush?

'Tis the gift to be simple referential.

2009-12-10T10:16:00.002-05:00

Mis amigos Cristóbal and Página have carried the day, with a most hilarious Weakerthans-referencing gift. You either get it or you don't, but if you get it, it's pretty great. Gracias, amiguitos.

Naming Names

2009-12-08T19:49:00.003-05:00

If there's an aspiring reggaeton artist among the vast and varied readership of this blog, I'd like to offer you the name Paco Opaco, which I would certainly use were I in that position.

For the record, and for those that didn't catch the news elsewhere:

2009-12-04T18:28:00.002-05:00

This happened.

In better news, I'm happy to report that my CD for the Mix Swap is complete. Yes sirree.

I won't stop believin', Doc. Promise.

2009-11-16T10:15:00.002-05:00

The best part about getting my wisdom tooth out was asking the dentist, "So, is this Journey track playing in the background supposed to be inspirational or make me think of the last Sopranos episode?"

Elephant in a small room.

2009-11-05T00:24:00.004-05:00

~~Some~~ Admittedly, very few of you have asked: "What's the deal with this year's CD swap?"

I guess I should call Ryan. Or he could blog (ahem) about it.

Ow.

2009-10-19T09:10:00.001-04:00

I'd like to inform you that I suspect I have an ingrown nose hair, and I have no idea how to deal with it.

Consider me a fan.

2009-10-16T10:04:00.003-04:00

Am I like the last one on the planet to learn that the Richmond Braves are no more and there's now the Richmond Flying Squirrels? In any event, awesome.

Oh man, ew.

2009-10-12T11:56:00.003-04:00

It would be supes gross if you had lice to walk up to someone shouting, "Say hello to my little friends!" while rubbing your head in that person's direction. Supes gross.

Woof

2009-10-09T14:22:00.001-04:00

Hey! I thought of a joke. Works better in spoken form, but here you go:

Q: Why aren't dogs welcome at social events?
A: Because they got faux pas.