Chipping Away at a Menace

Of the many indicators of the continued disintegration of America's moral fiber is the advent of Tostitos®-brand Scoops!®. Of course, the indictment against this menace could easily be pages long. But, for the sake of brevity, let us consider three of the many terrible things about them.

1. The[y]* have a dumb-ass name. Setting aside the completely gratuitous exclamation point, Scoops!® are named such as to indicate what one might do with them. How utterly presumptuous of you, Tostitos®. (Okay, this criticism is kind of lame. Mostly I hate the exclamation point.)
   
   
2. They're completely unnecessary. Prior to the pernicious market debut of Scoops!®, there already existed a device perfectly well-suited to conveying a perfect amount of salsa (and other delicious items) from bowl (or plate) to mouth. It was called "a tortilla chip," and it came in many varieties—circular, triangular, blue-corn, etc. Scoops!®, on the other hand, allow one to acquire superhuman amounts of salsa (and other delicious items) with a single chip, a clear instance of rank American exceptionalism and gluttony.
   
   
3. Their structure is annoying and hurty. The folding of the edges leads to numerous, reinforced corners, areas far harder to chew. The result: annoying super-crunchiness and the potential for Cap'n Crunch®-esque mouth-roof lacerations.
   

In sum, Tostitos® Scoops!®: you suck.

*Thanks for the typo heads-up, eekbeat!