Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Chipping Away at a Menace

Of the many indicators of the continued disintegration of America's moral fiber is the advent of Tostitos®-brand Scoops!®. Of course, the indictment against this menace could easily be pages long. But, for the sake of brevity, let us consider three of the many terrible things about them.
  1. The[y]* have a dumb-ass name. Setting aside the completely gratuitous exclamation point, Scoops!® are named such as to indicate what one might do with them. How utterly presumptuous of you, Tostitos®. (Okay, this criticism is kind of lame. Mostly I hate the exclamation point.)

  2. They're completely unnecessary. Prior to the pernicious market debut of Scoops!®, there already existed a device perfectly well-suited to conveying a perfect amount of salsa (and other delicious items) from bowl (or plate) to mouth. It was called "a tortilla chip," and it came in many varieties—circular, triangular, blue-corn, etc. Scoops!®, on the other hand, allow one to acquire superhuman amounts of salsa (and other delicious items) with a single chip, a clear instance of rank American exceptionalism and gluttony.

  3. Their structure is annoying and hurty. The folding of the edges leads to numerous, reinforced corners, areas far harder to chew. The result: annoying super-crunchiness and the potential for Cap'n Crunch®-esque mouth-roof lacerations.

In sum, Tostitos® Scoops!®: you suck.

*Thanks for the typo heads-up, eekbeat!


Blogger The Modesto Kid said...

Wait, this is a blatant rip-off of Fritos Scoops!(r). Granted Tostitos are also made by Frito-Lay. But still, Fritos have a special place in my heart.

9/1/08 11:42 PM  
Anonymous t(h)om said...

could you blog next about how awesome the Tostitos®Gold™ chips are the harbinger of the apocalypse?

10/1/08 10:00 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

Cap'n Crunch-esque roof of the mouth lacerations are worse than even medium intensity migraines.

10/1/08 10:25 AM  
Blogger baconfat said...

nothing wrong with wanting superhuman amounts of salsa in one's mouth (without using a spoon) from time to time.

10/1/08 12:12 PM  
Blogger Stanley said...

could you blog next about how awesome the Tostitos®Gold™ chips are the harbinger of the apocalypse?

Actually, my next blog is about Ron Paul's devious plan to return to the Tostito's®Gold™ standard.

10/1/08 10:48 PM  
Blogger The Modesto Kid said...

Money backed with food is totally an idea with legs. There was a whole series of Pogo cartoons at one point where they were going to print money on various foodstuffs -- so that someone with money need never go hungry -- backing the printed money with the foodstuffs is the logical extension of that idea.

10/1/08 11:14 PM  
Blogger bitchphd said...

You are entirely correct, sir.

11/1/08 5:42 PM  
Blogger Stanley said...

B., I'm taking your comment to be a wholehearted endorsement of the post, and thusly I declare, "Ahem, Tostitos®."

12/1/08 2:17 AM  
Blogger bitchphd said...

It was a wholehearted endorsement of the post. OTOH, I blame this post for the fact that I bought two bags of fucking Fritos today at the grocery store.

14/1/08 12:26 AM  
Blogger Stanley said...

fucking Fritos

I'm unacquainted with that flavor.

14/1/08 1:50 AM  

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