Monday, February 27, 2006


It has come to light that Ryan once purchased a $100 cheesecake.

He may explain to you that:
  • The $100 was part of a $500 graduation lagniappe (so, you know, it's not like it was real money or anything).
  • There was a lady companion involved.

Given the seriousness of this new and important information, it is imperative that we alert the community to Ryan's dastardly cheesecake ways.

Ladies of Charlottesville: if Ryan tries to buy you expensive dessert items, be not deceived by his sugary ruse. He may harbor ulterior motives.


Blogger Ryan said...

Look, Stanley, I think I pretty well covered all aspects of my $100 cheesecake purchase last night when you and I (and half the bar) talked about cheesecake and me and me buying expensive cheesecake and why would anyone pay $100 for a cheesecake? for AT LEAST an hour, while drinking, I might add, $2 Tecate cans, but here are my reasons again:

a) when I graduated college, for all my efforts, I received one picture frame, some ballons, and $500 in cash (with a note from my dad to "buy something useful, like a tool box").

b) at some point in the celebration of me no longer being in school and not knowing what to do with myself, LADY FRIEND and I were at Cheesecake Factory, and WE BOTH decided that I should buy a cheesecake because EVERYBODY LIKES CHEESECAKE (especially LADY FRIEND and MYSELF) and, would you look at that, I have $500 in my pocket, so surely I can afford a pretty nice cheesecake.

c) I pointed at some toppings and some sauces and stuff and the cook said it would take 45 minutes to create such a "unique" cheesecake and 45 minutes later (those 45 minutes, by the way, one must assume were spent with the cook slaving over my specific "unique" cake) the cook told me that it was going to cost $100. At that point (after the 45 minute wait) I was not going to say no, because the cook spent so long on my cheesecake. Plus the LADY FRIEND was there, and I didn't want to look cheap. And I really wanted that cheesecake.

Q: Would I have purchased said cheesecake had LADY FRIEND not been present?
A: No.

Q: At any point in my life (in all likelihood) will I purchase another $100 cheesecake?
A: No.

Q: Do I regret purchasing a $100 cheesecake?
A: No.

Q: Did purchasing a $100 cheesecake get me laid?
A: I don't remember.

27/2/06 10:56 PM  
Blogger Stanley said...

There you have it, ladies:

Ryan will buy you fancy desserts, solely for appearances' sake.

Later, he may or may not engage your passionate embrace. Either way, it won't be memorable.

Thanks, Ryan, for the clarification.

28/2/06 2:52 AM  
Blogger t(h)om said...

Wow, Ryan, that is sooome story.

My advice to you would have been to tell the Baker to shove his $100 cake up the pooper! Why the FUCK didn't he tell you it would be a $100 cake BEFORE he started making it?? You got swindled.

If you had stood up for yourself and walked out of there (why the cheesecake factory anyway? $500 in your pocket; you could have taken LADY FRIEND anywhere!)...

If you had just walked out, THAT would have gotten you laid.

28/2/06 9:34 AM  
Blogger bikkhouschka said...

damn ryan, watch out! stanley, he will cut you. you and your cheese.

28/2/06 6:19 PM  

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