Thursday, June 19, 2008

Stanley Interviews Ryan via Gmail

On Preferences
S: What was better: Coke 2 or Michael Jackson's "Black or White"? (I think "Black or White" was better.)

R: I don't know what Coke 2 is, but I once did a blind tasting of Pepsi vs. Crystal Pepsi, and they tasted exactly the same. So my answer is "Black or White."

On Obligations
S: How many cases of wine do you owe me at this point? And will some of them be Kiwi wine?

R: It's hard to say how many cases of wine I owe you. My memory is foggy when it comes to the times that I've promised you cases of wine. It's not that I don't think it's happened, it's just that you've asked me that question so many times that the answer has convoluted itself inside my head and I honestly don't know the answer. I know LC has promised you cases of wine, to be supplied by me, but I'm not really sure if those bottles are legally binding. It's hard to say. How about I owe you four bottles? They can be Kiwi, if that's what you want. But I figured you'd prefer something in a box that comes with a straw. [ed. note: Ryan understands me for me.]

On films
S:What's your favorite movie and why?

R: Well, I'm not a big fan of picking favorites, but the first movie that came to my mind was "The Shawshank Redemption," not only because of how wonderful the story is, but because I was about 13 or 14 when I decided that I loved this movie, and I think whatever we get into at that age sticks with us forever. That's also why I like Salt N Peppa [sic] so much. Also, at about the same age I really got into the book "Different Seasons" by Stephen King, which has four great stories, or novellas, and one is "Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption," and when I read it I loved it and tried for years to write stories that were similar. "Stand By Me" and "Apt Pupil" are also movies based on stories from that book, but, again, the novellas are better than the movies.

On The State of Global Energy
S: Do you think we've already hit Peak Oil? Why or why not?

R: Peak Oil? I sure hope not. I own three cars. [ed. note: yeesh, dick move, man.]

On Cuisine
S: What's the best kind of jelly to put on a PB&J?

R: I prefer raspberry or cherry jellies, although I would forego the fruit used in preference of a less sweet jelly. Same goes for the peanut butter. I like the less sweet peanut butters and the less sweet jellies, which usually end up being the "organic" or home-made ones or whatever. Because usually I'd be eating my PB&J in the morning, and I don't like sweet things before noon.

On Odor
S: Isn't it true that you eschew the use of the deodorant? Can you explain?

R: From time to time I do eschew the use of deodorant. Generally it's just not something I have to use everyday, unless I'm being all super active or wearing like 10 layers and sweating beneath them. The thing is, Stanley, is that I just don't stink. My guess is that a lot of people could get away with this, but they're scared of the funk.

On Aging
S: Today on the way to work, I honked for a very long time at an old man in a Caddy who blatantly cut me off at the intersection of Monticello and Avon. Am I going to hell for that, for other stuff, or is he a bastard?

R: A: I support everything you do, Stanley. You're not going to hell on my watch. [ed. note: aw, shucks.]

On Travel
S: Are you home yet?

R: No, I'm in Kairouka. Today I fought angry fang-baring seals and ate good seafood. And drank wine and sat on the beach. [ed. note: Ryan has, since the time of this interview arrived home safely; huzzah.]

On Literature
S: You mentioned What is the what?. Was it any good? (Presuming you read it.)

R: Yes, it's a good book. Some of his writing is a bit masturbatory, but the story is good and interesting and true and sad.

On Mortality
S: I killed a deadly spider today (well, I was complicit in its death, let's say that). How bad should I feel on a scale of one to bad?

R: For killing the deadly spider, you should feel Thrad.

On Fear
S: What's your biggest fear in life?

R: So there's the stretch where you sit on the ground with your legs together and straight in front of you, and you lean forward and touch your toes. It think it's called the "Sit and reach." MY biggest fear is that I am doing that stretch and somebody presses down on my back so that all my spinal muscles rip, then I'm placed in a coffin, still in the "Sit and Reach" position, and buried alive. Whenever I do the "Sit and Reach" I think about this.


Blogger The Modesto Kid said...

one and bad are incommensurate.

20/6/08 11:03 AM  
Anonymous t(h)om said...

teh "is stanley going to hell for beeping at an old man" question? biscuit conditional.

20/6/08 12:35 PM  

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