Tuesday, August 05, 2008


The wild, buccaneering, gorgeously named Ephraim Wales Bull, pictured below with the original concord grapevine. A womanizer, a moneylender, a trader of feral dogs and blackmarket hot chocolate, he bred and propagated over 20,000 grapevines native to the New England soil, and from the many, he chose one, and it was concord, a grape he deemed "the perfect grape," a grape famous across the world for nothing less than its astonishing mediocrity.

Enter, then, Dr. Thomas Welch, a Virginia dentist with a penchant for sweet milk, basement culinary tinkering, and men with beards. Dr. Welch and his wife, knowing a good thing when they saw it, ganked "the grape of the millions" from the perpetually roaming Ephraim, pasteurized it, and tossed it in the freezer. Throw in a good label and a cute kid, and therein lies the recipe for millions. Dr. Thomas Welch, one should know, never gave up his dental career. Teeth were his thirty-two true callings.

The point of all this? I'm trying to write a back label for a wine bottle, and back labels for wine bottles are boring, and I'm bored.


Blogger The Modesto Kid said...

Is the wine you're labelling made from concord grapes?

5/8/08 10:57 PM  
Anonymous t(h)om said...

TMK says: Is the wine you're labelling made from concord grapes?

Didn't you know the Concord varietal is the next big thing in Virginia wine?

6/8/08 1:00 PM  
Blogger Stanley said...

In anticipation of the new grape, I've stocked up on concentrated grape juice, which I leave unrefrigerated on my back porch. I'm gonna be rich!

6/8/08 1:39 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

Yes, the wine is concord. "The grape of the millions."

6/8/08 5:55 PM  
Blogger The Neoskeptic said...

say it ain't so! i knew that "writing a back label" meant it was a new wine, and i was really, really really holding out for Petit Verdot. damn you!

7/8/08 8:48 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

oh no, neo. it is sweet. it is juicy. it is better tasting (than something horrible). it is concord.

7/8/08 7:06 PM  
Blogger The Neoskeptic said...

gotta keep the prols and the rubes happy and drunk, don'tcha?

11/8/08 11:06 AM  
Blogger LizardBreath said...

Wait, you're making decent wine from concord grapes? How can I buy some? This will make my husband (who's crazy fond of concord grapes, and was distraught to find out, on his first encounter with it, that Manichevitz was disgusting) very happy if I can get ahold of a bottle.

12/8/08 3:05 PM  
Blogger LC said...

is this blog dead?

14/8/08 8:34 PM  
Blogger Stanley said...

No! I handled Lizardbreath's question via off-blog communication, and just today I was pondering a blogpost. Pondering away the afternoon, I was.

14/8/08 8:48 PM  

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