Monday, November 05, 2007

"Sometimes my eyeballs dance in their sockets!"

I work with a young Mormon child named Drew, and he drinks a lot of coffee.

Drew is twenty-one years old, a proficient wrestler, and has facial hair exactly like Wolverine if only Wolverine were more into psychotropic medications. Drew drives a VW bug, talks all the time about how the girl can't get pregnant if she's on top - "It's gravity!" - and carries around two separate mugs of coffee, one from Dutch Bros and the other from a very special Oregon State football game he once attended.

If you ask Drew how much coffee he drinks he will answer you in terms of gallons. During harvest, Drew will tell you, smiling between his chops, he drank five gallons per day. To illustrate this, Drew will hold up a five gallon bucket and point at it and say, "Yeah, this much."

Drew's first cup of the day comes in the shower. "I take the leftover coffee from last night - I take the entire pot with me in the shower and drink it cold." Drew then buys one on the way to work. Then he makes coffee for the entire staff, filling the coffee filter up ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP with grounds. This is the way true coffee drinkers do it, so says Drew. And I beleive him, because if anyone is a coffee drinker, it is he.

I once asked Drew if it was true that Mormons had to preach door-to-door in a bicycle and he said, "Maybe" and gave me a weird smile and his teeth are yellow. Tired of all the talk of tannins and terroir, I attempted to get my fellow interns to play a rousing game of Asshole, and Drew announced that he would play only if he could drink coffee and not beer. And we let him. And the coffee was cold. And from three days ago. And he was Asshole all night.


Blogger The Modesto Kid said...

How does one play Asshole?

5/11/07 6:41 PM  
Blogger Stanley said...


5/11/07 8:09 PM  
Anonymous teofilo said...

Mormons don't drink coffee, you know.

6/11/07 1:01 AM  
Blogger The Neoskeptic said...

i thought interns were supposed to get the coffee for their bosses, not drink a month's supply in one go.

maybe you should suggest he switch to espresso. you can pack much more coffee punch into a much smaller volume. he could cut back to 2 gallons and still get all that caffeine in 5 gallons of regular java.

did you know that at your old winery, the tattoo'd, pot-smokin'-in-the-bathroom intern got the axe?

6/11/07 6:50 AM  
Blogger Stanley said...

Mormons don't drink coffee, you know.

Teo makes an excellent point. Ryan: are you sure he's Mormon?

6/11/07 4:42 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I am very sure that he is Mormon, and very, very sure that he drinks coffee. So, you know, whatever.

6/11/07 8:44 PM  
Blogger The Modesto Kid said...

Mormons don't drink coffee

Jews don't eat pork; but if you meet a Jew who eats lots of bacon, you can't really use the behavior as evidence against his identity as a Jew.

6/11/07 10:17 PM  
Blogger The Modesto Kid said...

Ryan: are you totally sure about his facial hair?

6/11/07 10:18 PM  
Blogger MB said...

I am amazed that the pure entertainment of the story was lost.

Well done Ryan.

8/11/07 9:03 PM  
Anonymous teofilo said...

Luckily, there is a term for people of Mormon heritage who do not follow the precepts of the Mormon religion.

8/11/07 9:10 PM  
Blogger Stanley said...

Indeed, teo. Indeed.

8/11/07 9:48 PM  
Blogger The Neoskeptic said...

Luckily, there is a term for people of Mormon heritage who do not follow the precepts of the Mormon religion.


9/11/07 6:52 AM  
Blogger Stanley said...

Funny, neoskep. I'm pretty sure teo means this term.

9/11/07 11:28 AM  
Anonymous teofilo said...

Yeah, that's the one.

9/11/07 6:14 PM  
Anonymous bitchphd said...

By the way, Ryan, Stanley sent me a bottle of your wine. Thank you!

10/11/07 11:28 PM  

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